My grief and loss

You never know how strong you are til you have no other choice but to be strong.

In the last four years I’ve lost my best friend since the 3rd grade via murder. This last year I’ve lost my brother unexpectedly due to pneumonia and my dad was expected three different times that he wouldn’t make it through the night. In addition to that from the ages of 29-32 I experienced 5 miscarriages and endured 5 surgeries. You know what, grief is a strong emotion but I’m still standing. Life has sucked but it’s also been wonderful. I wouldn’t have adopted my daughter had I not had all the miscarriages. I’ve grown closer to other family members and been allowed to see that people truly care for me and my family. I’ve felt loved and taken care of in the midst of the tragedies and sadness. My best friends brother looked at me at my brother’s funeral and said, “you’re my only sister now”. That touched me more than anyone can possibly know. And you know what Ken Atkin, you are my only brother now. 🙂

My dh has stepped up and done things for my mom to ease her pain this year. He’s tried to be there for her as well as me. I kinda feel sorry for him and all he’s had to take care of. His shoulders are only so big and we put alot on them. I would dare to say we’ve almost worn those shoulders out. He is my rock. He is the constant in my world that hasn’t changed in the last 19 and 1/2 years. How is it that I’ve been with him that long? It seems like just yesterday me and Mis were cruising town and talking about boys. We always assumed she would be the one to marry and I would be the one to see the world. She always had the long relationships and I always seemed to flit around. Boy were we wrong. I married quickly and she never got the chance to know what it’s like to love a good man.

I think I’m coming out of my depression from the last year. I feel good, am getting back into exercise and am beginning to really see the good in life. Life’s not all bad. My happy pills will still be with me for a few more months. Then I think I can probably wean myself off it. I am waiting til some of the firsts have gone by. First birthday without him. Firsts suck. It’s been 9 months since my brother died and my dad has been out of the hospital for 3 months. But life is essentially good. Thank you God for allowing me to still stand.

Update: 2011 Dad is going through stage 2 Cancer and this is a new one. He’s taking it well and I’m dealing with it well too. I will not fall back into grief! Prayers are always appreciated.

Update: 2012 Dad has since passed away and I am managing to fight depression without meds and am doing very well. You never expect to lose 3 people you love in the span of 5 years but I did. And I’m still standing. Thank you God and please leave the rest of my friends and family here for the next 10 years (minimum!).

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